Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
