so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
