The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
