I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
