i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize