you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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