I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
