what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
why is half of my head shaved?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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