Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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