just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
