oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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