apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
