I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
