bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
