i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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