Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
