there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
