if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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