Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
sarcasm needs its own font
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
