absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
