dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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