ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize