Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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