i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
