my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
