I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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