if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize