sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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