i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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