I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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