Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
