he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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