That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
