we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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