I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
