Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
