I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
