He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
