At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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