she woke up with a sticky ear
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
what day is it and did you see me today?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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