Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize