she woke up with a sticky ear
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
