It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
