My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
