So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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