Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize