shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
