my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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