i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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