I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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