My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
