I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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