dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
