I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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