You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
