then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
