The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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