how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
