life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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